Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
