Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
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