We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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