i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
apparently the secret to your success is patron
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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