Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
