You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I need to calm my uterus...
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
