Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
