I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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