Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.