I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.