i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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