you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
