census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
no more duck duck goose at the bar
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
