I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
