jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
