Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize