dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
