there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
