i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
