I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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