Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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