he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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