I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Randomize
