I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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