o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
3 2 1 whiskey
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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