You know, be my cock's hype man.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Randomize
