that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
