first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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