I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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