i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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