oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
