Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
