The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.