I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I stole a fireplace last night.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.