I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
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Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
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The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything