she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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