he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
