i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
