Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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