That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
