I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
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