you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie