On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.