Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??