the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?