Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
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There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
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I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.