the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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