I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
