Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
