So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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