I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
