Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
