roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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