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this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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