other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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