the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
