dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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