I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
