I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
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Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
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I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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