I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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