lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
