if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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