so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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