Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
